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I thought I’d put this on top of my list for three simple reasons: a) Obviously we all want to do good for others all the time and so many of us struggle here and b) I know this one’s a biggie for me! c) Sometimes it’s really hard to draw the line between ethical/moral and over the top unnecessary attempts to please.

Is it pleasing people or just good values?

As I mentioned above, the line between good values and people pleasing gets really blurry at times and that’s when it really helps to have a personal rule of thumb to tell between the two.

Here is mine:

If something’s getting me too anxious or stressed out, I’m probably not doing it just as an act of kindness or out of generosity; I’m probably trying to please.

Now, if you need more points to decide if it’s pleasing people or generosity…here’s some questions to consider.

Before we do that…let’s make one thing very clear, trying to understand and being kind is not the same as pleasing people. These are two entirely different things.

Are you a people pleaser?

1. You try to be who others want you to be.

2. You try to agree with others and fit in even if that means having to loosen up on some of your values or beliefs.

3. You cringe at the thought of having to hurt someone’s feeling by delivering bad news or suggesting something that you honestly believe in.

4. You have a hard time saying “No” to people.

5. You always put others first before yourself.

6. You are unwilling to ask for help.

7. You can’t stand the thought of upsetting people.

Any of these sound like you? If they do, listen up, people pleasing are of the habits that seem harmless at first look, but kills your chances of success.

Top 3 Reasons to Stop being a People Pleaser

1. People pleasing means you’re willing to do stuff that are against your values to put others first. This means you end up compromising your values and listen, anybody who doesn’t have a good set of beliefs they’d stand up for and die for has a hard time defining who they are, where they want to go and what they want to have. All of which lead to mediocrity not the kind of success you’re hoping for.

2. People pleasing isn’t based on respect of yourself or the other person. And, it’s not based on trust either and that’s a bad kind of relationship to have with anyone.

3. Now, the point where people pleasing gets really messy is when you keep yourself from going after your goals because you’re scared of being judged by your current circle. This is when you stop working on your goals and end up making yourself miserable because you aren’t getting what you really want out of your life.

Listen, I honestly used to believe in being everything I could be for everyone, I tried doing that for a long time and I must say people pleasing is a habit, I struggle with myself a lot. So, I understand the kind of resistance you’re probably feeling while you read this article. It’s Ok! Just relax…

Overcoming people pleasing attitude doesn’t mean you are going to make people feel horrible from now on. It just means you are going to make yourself feel a lot better!

And here are the three easy steps you can take right now to overcome people pleasing character.

1. Realize that it’s cool and completely natural!

Guess what? If you struggle with people pleasing, you’re in a great group of people. And guess what? A person pleasing others is very natural. Don’t beat yourself over it. Don’t sit down and feel horrible about it every time you say “Yes” when all you really wanted to do was scream “No! Are you kidding me? I’ve got so much stuff of my own to do”. Just take a deep breath. Acknowledge times when you do say NO or does something that would’ve made you cringe before.

2. Learn to respect others and their differences

The main reason we tend to be people pleasers naturally is because we love being part of a group. It gives us so much security that we tend to sacrifice our need to be unique individuals in that process. But, tell you what? When it comes to success, your individuality and uniquess is a lot more important than your ability to please someone to fit in.

Your individuality makes you a good leader and leadership is a critical factor to your success. Of course, if you want to win, you’ve got to be a caring leader who respects others, not an arrogant dictator.

And that’s the sweet spot between giving in to please and standing up for yourself while showing you care deeply about others. Try to respect others including the crazy things that they should not be doing but still doing it. No, you don’t have to agree with those unconventional things, you just need to keep an open mind and appreciate their courage instead of running in to say they’re a retard or morons to not have known the “rules”.

Listen, when you start respecting others and their differences, you send direct signals to your brain that says “It’s cool to be different. Differences add a nice touch”. And, when your mind can learn to accept differences, it will loosen up a lot and allow you to be different without nagging you to do something just to fit in.

3. Start doing something on your own

Winning feels good, doesn’t it? And it feels even better to have accomplished something on your own. It gives you a really nice boost and teaches you to believe in your abilities. That’s the kind of confidence we need to accept ourselves for whom we are (including the not-so-good parts).

This is the easiest way I know to overcome people pleasing tendencies and become a great leader. Just try standing out of the crowd sometimes (stand against the crowd if you have to). Nothing says I believe in myself and my goals more than taking some heat for it from people you’d love to please.

And wanting to be successful means being able to take the heat and stand there strong even if you’re being laughed at by the people you care about the most. Now, that’s the kind of strength and leadership that makes things happen and creates success!

Go do it!

Image by ???§wêê†Båb??®å???? via Flickr